It’s December. 29 days count down to new year. I woke up this morning with quite severe headache for no reason. I have a quite morning, just me, my coffee, praise and worship songs that I sang. Then my mind flew back to the memory around 3 weeks ago when I was lying on my hospital bed pushed to the operation room. I remember – I only could see the lights and old ceiling – it’s been a while since the last time I enter operation room, somehow I feel like my body shivering, not only because the cold temperature inside the operation room, but I know for sure my heart was trembling inside as well.
But then I remember a song that has been like a theme to my 2018.
Since the beginning of 2018 the song: Psalm 23 – Surely Goodness, Surely Mercy – by Shane & Shane esp. this part of the lyric: Even though I walk through the valley Of the shadow of death I will fear no evil Even though I walk through the valley Of the shadow of death You are on my side become like an anchor in my heart.
It really alive in a way that I couldn’t understand before. Until certain point I thought I am gonna die this year because this verse always read in the funeral (at least that what I watched in the movies). But then there come the time when I have to process all the situation that I have to face (please read: https://www.liabrasali.com/post/45-years-and-148-days-thank-you-for-the-good-time-uterus for reference) and ‘death’ literally on my front door.
The white light from the light at the ceiling of the operation room like a corridor to something I don’t know. The struggling inside my heart has not over yet – and the time to say good bye to my womb is really near.
Suddenly I feel not ready, and I remember I even considered that I was willing to bear all the pain and bleeding, rather than to loose my womb. I remember asking God: “Am I doing the right thing Lord?” And of course (like almost always) I do not hear an answer. I remember I want to run outside the operation room right when they asked me to change my clothe. But then I heard a soft voice told me to say: “Thank You Lord”
I don’t know what to do. So I just follow what my heart said, and I was saying: Thank You Lord. I repeated it in my heart and in my thought over and over again. Not long after I did that, my heart started to feel at peace. I know, God knows my heart, and even tough I made a wrong decision, I know everything is gonna be ok. Then I started to sing in my heart: You prepare a table right before me In the presence of my enemies Though the arrow flies and the terror of night Is at my door, I’ll trust you Lord
Surely goodness, surely mercy Right beside me all my days And I will dwell in Your house forever And bless Your holy name
Not long after I finished sang that part of the lyric (don’t worry I sang it very softly hahaha), I hear the anesthesiologist said: “Are you ready to go to sleep Doc?” i said Yes to him and I said again: “Thank You Jesus.” for the very last time before I knocked out by the sleeping drug in my vein – oohhh BTW I love that drug hahahaha)
I just want to say that the power of a grateful heart, a decision to say Thank You Lord really make change attitude of the heart. When we decide to look everything that happen in our life as a means glorify God, you will experience something that you never think before.
Pagi ini Saya bangun dengan sakit kepala hebat di kepala saya (tanpa alasan apapun). Tiba-tiba begitu banyak tebaran kebohongan ditaburkan di kepala Saya, dan colekan kecemasan terjadi di dalam hati Saya. Right at the time when I was thinking to share and write something. Kemudian Saya memutuskan (dengan berat hati dan rasa malas super dewa) untuk mulai mengeluarkan suara dan bersyukur atas kasih setia Tuhan dalam hidup Saya. Again… you will never imagine the power of a grateful heart.
It’s 29 days before Christmas, mari bersama membangun habit untuk bersyukur. Bahkan di hal terkecil dalam hidup kita yang kita pikir kita layak mendapatkan hal itu. But we don’t deserve anything. Bahkan kehidupan ini diberikan dengan cuma-cuma tanpa usaha kita. Kalau nafas ini berhenti, dan waktunya kita meninggalkan dunia ini, siapa yang dapat menahan?
Count your blessings. Face your darkest valley with courage because God is always right beside us. And for that… bring your grateful heart and walk the life with hope and joy.
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